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Trying Not to Lose…

11/19/2010

Okay, seriously, you can literally find anything on the web.  Last night i was feeling a little down on myself and found myself typing into Google search “why am i such a loser?”…..Okay, i know i’m not a loser loser and i need to stop feeling down on myself, but i was actually suprised at the sites that came up.  People going on and on responding to posts from other people feeling less than outstanding.  I was really suprised that perfect and total strangers were this helpful, responsive and downright nice on the web.  They were actually providing supportive and loving advice to a kid in Utah who hadn’t yet discovered himself and all of what life is meant to be.

I, on the other hand, am not a goofy teenager.  I do feel like a goofy 29 year old who can’t get it together.  I’m currently focusing on getting a promotion and moving toward a new adventure in this new role.  I’m actually hoping this takes me out of the office and allows me to work from home.  But for some reason, I’m am such a loser.  I’ve now realized in life that the only thing i’ve ever been good at is school, learning and growing, but applying never came easily because i was always too busy over analyzing everything to move forward.  So i stepped out of my box and have had super supportive team members help me out  and supply me with useful knowledge that i just can’t seem to put into action.  I’ve spoken with clients who are grandmothers, mothers, fathers and your average joe, but I just can’t seem to catch a break. 

It always seems where others are succeeding with ease and things just come naturally to them, I struggle.  I just can’t find my niche and become the success I desire to be.  What’s holding me back?  My confidence, my approach, A curse on my household?  I’ve asked the Lord to help me do the right things and not that those things will be easy, but I just need to know that with making an effort the struggle will be worth it in the long run. 

My friends tell me that i’ve got to keep going, i’ve got to keep pushing, but when do you just stop hurting your own darn feelings and cutting your losses?  You can push for a significant other and end up with a deadbeat who hits on you.  Then you’re in a lousy marriage because you wouldn’t let go of Mr. Raggedy. Maybe sometimes you have to realize that it isn’t for you and you can’t move on to something greater until you let go of what you’ve been thinking you were supposed to do.  I have no clue, except I’m tired of being a loser. 

I envision winning all the time, I envision realistic approaches to acheiving success.  But yet, i keep getting road blocked.  When is enough enough and when will a break through happen? I’m kinda tired of the cliche’ answers of “It will, it’s just not time yet.”, “The right person will come along?”,  “Well you already applied for 120 jobs this week, apply for 120 more :)”….LOL  Gotta love friends, they mean well and they just want to lift your spirits, but truth is, they don’t always know your inner turmoil and the years and years of feeling like you’re not getting anything you want.  Don’t get me wrong, life could be worse, but somewhere down the line, I just envisioned better.

I’m not TRYING to complain, just TRYING to see if anyone else feels like this? Maybe I’m not showing HIM enough effort or desire.  It just makes me wonder why SOME supermodels and actresses are discovered and whisked away to work in Milan or Hollywood, while others aspiring never grace the cover of a magazine and are forced to wait tables.  I know sometimes the journey is great, but I’m just concerned that the discovered people fell into something they didn’t even want, while the aspiring want it so badly they can taste it, but is far from within their grasps.  Is that just a cruel joke or what?  Not everything has to be easy, but Why does it seem like when you put forth the most effort, that’s when the door slams in your face the hardest? 

So with that being said, i’m just going to TRY harder to NOT be such a loser.  i resolve to TRY to listen and learn how to improve while executing diligently.  I refuse to be let down for the sake of my mental state and I will succeed. 

I suggest you do the same.  We are not losers….We are just Trying Twenties.

Like the song goes….All I do is Win, Win, Win, NO matter what!

LIVE Life….and Die Trying…I guess!

Angel Elexa

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One comment

  1. Hey! I don’t like how you’re speaking about my friend. She’s no loser! Although I can relate to the feeling of inadequacy. I’m sure everyone can. Big hug to you and much love. You are just right in my eyes, friend.



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