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Trying to Understand…

02/26/2010

Why the children are our future…And the future looks bleak!

This is a tribute to all my teacher friends that deal with some of the most interesting youth on a daily basis.  Kudos to you for all you do and put up with! 

Here’s some funny to keep you going!

Why English Teachers Die Young
 
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
 
Here are last year’s winners…
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.  Ummm…Okay?
 
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. It works.
 
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.  This is just hilarious.
 
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.  Is that good or bad?
 
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.  Gross, but visual.
 
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.  And that is just bad.
 
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.  Boo!
 
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.  LOL…What does he know about those high ATM fees?
 
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.  Okay?!  Relevant and factual.
 
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.  Eewww!
 
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30. This is just so true.
 
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. That’s just gross. Must’ve been a middle schooler.
 
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.  How do they even know what frying maggots sounds like? 
 
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m., at a speed of 35 mph.  Must’ve been a Mathlete.
 
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.  Why are they always talking about this girl’s teeth?
 
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.  Okay….rewrite, please.
 
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.  Wouldn’t this be perfect for the cast of Jersey Shore or the Gottis?
 
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.  He’s been hanging out with grandpa too much.
 
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.  Uhhh?
 
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.  They heard they’re parent say this about their uncle.
 
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.  Is that supposed to make me feel scared of the fighter or for him because he may pass out?
 
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. Shame!!
 
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.  Ewww!  That’s not really graceful.
 
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.  And this is a weird tradition.  I don’t know where this kid grew up.  Please call CPS for him.
 
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.  How is a truck backing up reminiscent of love?

LAUGH About it……And don’t give up on the babies.  They need help.

Angel Elexa

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